Warning sewing fans – this is a serious post. I’m sure tomorrow I’ll share more crafty love. But I feel compelled to talk about something else today.
On the day that I stopped taking OXY – all according to my well-laid plans – I was almost eaten alive by a monster of depression, rage, and anxiety.
I was not expecting that.
I learned (to a small degree) how badly that monster they call addiction wanted to swallow me whole.
You saw me on the day after my gallbladder surgery – all sunshine, tulips, and Percocet. Percocet is the pretty name for that drug. The pain relief that I welcomed joyfully. Oxycodone is the ugly name for it – the one that brings to mind drug abuse and addiction.
Making plans to go home from the hospital, I also made plans to get back to my life: sewing, taking pictures, and my favorite role – being a mom.
So I planned that on Day 1 after my hospital stay I would take Percocet. Day 2 I would alternate Percocet and Advil, and from Day 3 going forward I would only take Advil as needed. Unless the pain was too severe, of course.
I think that plan saved my life. Because the pain did subside (thankfully). But my desire for the oxycodone – let’s call it by its ugly name now – did not subside.
On the morning of Day 3 (the day I would only take Advil) I woke up early in the morning filled with such rage for everyone who came to mind (it seems silly now to think of it), depression – I scrolled through images on my phone and cried for all the things my life was lacking, and anxiety – begging to see my doctor to adjust my other (mental health) medications.
Wow. I only wish I could go back a few days and tell my self what was going on at that moment. Because it was as if a huge monster wanted to eat me alive. I was actually experiencing dependency and withdrawals after only 4 days on oxycodone.
How I wish that monster did not exist! How I fear and sympathize for you if you know the monster I speak of. If you know it – please know also that you are not alone. That help is there.
It helped me to have a plan.
It helped me to share my plan with other people in advance so they could support me with it.
And it helped me to speak out when I felt that ugly monster trying to take me back.
I know that my monster could be small compared to the one that you fight. So please have hope. And talk to someone.
And more sewing posts to come, I promise!