I can’t believe we’re about to do this but apparently we have to talk about a presidential candidate eating salad with a comb today. I will explain; it still won’t make sense; the election may never come; it’s fine. It’s all fine.
Today the New York Times published a damning look into the inner workings of Senator Amy Klobuchar’s relationships with her staff. The article highlighted a controversial policy around maternity leave and an unusually high staff turnover rate, and while those are worth examining and debating by scholars and ethicists, I’m neither so we have to talk about food gossip.
The article opens with an anecdote about a time when a staff member brought Klobuchar a salad but forgot plastic utensils. Klobuchar grew impatient and then angry and so she pulled a comb out of her bag and used it to eat the salad.
What in the name of Princess Ariel, prodigal daughter of Tritan, is going on in this story?
SHE PULLED A COMB OUT OF HER PURSE AND USED IT TO EAT THE SALAD.
I’m going to be old and gray and still screaming that sentence to an empty room like I’m Annie Wilkes in Misery talking about the cockadoody car. This will haunt me.
She dined with a dinglehopper. I just…
On one hand, whomst among us, really? You get your lunch delivery and there’s ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife, you don’t sit around and muse about how ironic it is. You do what you have to do. This is the stuff that presidents are made of. Abe Lincoln would’ve been stabbing little cherry tomatoes on to a comb with a quickness. George Washington? His old wooden teeth would’ve been gnashing lettuce and stray hairs lickety-split. Teddy Roosevelt? He would have carved a comb out of a tree and then built himself a picnic table to sit at. Why wouldn’t he have just carved a fork? I don’t know! I’m not a president.
So, yes, anyway, the struggle that Klobuchar experienced is relatable.
On the other hand: what?
This is something that a Willem Dafoe character would do in a movie when the filmmaker wants to quickly let us know this dude is a wild card and possibly dangerous. He’s sitting at a diner and he pulls a comb out and starts going to town on his wedge salad and you’re in the movie theater like “Oh, snap. This dude cray! And also, who orders a wedge salad? It’s a scam!”
I honestly don’t know what to make of this. It does serve as a nice thematic companion to the story of the woman who interrupted Kirsten Gillibrand’s stump speech because she needed ranch. Perhaps all of our political stories will be salad and salad dressing related.
Alas, I suspect that it will not be the most dystopian news story to come out of this election. We’ve got literally hundreds of days left. Somebody is going to claim to have met an extraterrestrial. Somebody is going to be revealed as Batman. We really have no idea what’s about to hit us.
That said, this article is a pretty spicy bottle of vinaigrette, you must admit. Klobuchar’s former staff members are out here singing like Ursula at the end of The Little Mermaid and I can’t look away. Insert a GIF of me wide-eyed and eating popcorn, but instead of popcorn it’s a box of croutons.
There’s a serious discussion to be had about Klobuchar’s alleged behavior and whether the senator is being held to a different standard than a man would be. But for now, I’m just going to go get a drink at the salad bar and mutter to myself about how some Brutus’ on Klobuchar’s staff told the New York Times about her chomping on a Caesar with a hair utensil. What a time to be alive question mark.